every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
