hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize