Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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