fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
