I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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