Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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