Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
