Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
