Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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