I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
