Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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