The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize