Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
