why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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