well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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