you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
