I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
