oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
