first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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