his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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