You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize