I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Found the puke drawer
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
