Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
