The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
