why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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