these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
