shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
