You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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