I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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