I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
