my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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