Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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