my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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