Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
