Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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