I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
