you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
