Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
