Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
