i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
