I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
