I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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