Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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