How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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