We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
