so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
