So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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