I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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