I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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