I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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