I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
