my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
