Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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