Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
