I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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