please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We left an ass print on the piano.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
