No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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