If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
